Fairly Ordinary

Three months from today, I am marrying Daniel. There is still quite a bit of the wedding to plan. I have about thirteen new books that I’m dying to read. My ebay stack-of-things-to-sell is larger than life. My bedtime has been quite late recently. I haven’t been drinking as much water as I need to. I haven’t completely planned out my geisha costume. Squandering time is my worst fear. Achievable goals seem like but a distant dream. One of our new offices opens in a month – with a flood of new employees. The daily grind is becoming just that – a daily grind.

It’s as though I’ve recognized burnout but I’m already charred. Burnout is caused by unbalance – but I’ve always thought it just happened to other people. Workaholics and perfectionists. But this week I’m realizing that it can happen to anyone who is concerned with the little things in life just as much as the grand things.

The moments where everything clicks, time stops and it’s perfect? I love those. The sense of peace and gratefulness is overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if there is pride mixed in. I can’t stop wanting to repeat those experiences. In my heart of hearts, I commit to doing things perfectly which sets in place a cycle of self-destruction that smothers the joy out of my living. The pursuit of perfection is a deadly and bitterly disappointing game.

It seems contradictory to slow down when I see life picking up speed. But if I don’t slow down and catch my breath – I’m going to miss those important things. In fact, the sacred whispers are often silent when my soul is living too loudly.

I love how you called around midnight, down by the gas station, with urgency in your voice.

Little black puppies were barking, licking your shoes and wiggling against your pants. You didn’t want them to be hurt - you wanted to take them home.

The tone of your voice gave it away. You are so tender and compassionate. I just think you had no idea that you were that thoughtful about little black puppies in the middle of the night.

We thought of warm milk, cardboard boxes and keeping them in the cottage overnight. But then we realized they wouldn’t get the attention that they needed because of the next few weeks being Crazy and Insane.

It went against our grain to let them go. You wanted to follow them down the side street, as they were trotting (mostly wiggling) fast as they could as if a great adventure awaited them.

Your heart is so gentle and sweet. I’m going to be so proud to be your wife.